Old Chicken Pony Rider

Poor Baby Toe

2011-02-04T14:08:00.000-08:00

We have had pretty windy and cold weather over the last 2 days so the horses have reason to feel rather cooped up in their 24' X 24' corrals.

Yesterday Fable was standing on the pipe of her gate. Now it's not like she hasn't been fooled with- we go on walks even in bad weather because the only way she will get really great at leading and learning her ground work is to do it- regularly. She was a bored baby anyway after 2 days off so I took her out to work her and walk her.

What happened to me would have been comical if it wasn't so painful. While working on my leading exercises ( a mix of go forward, whoa, back, hip over from standing, soften face to pressure, move shoulders over while going forward) I started forward and took my eyes off her for a second to scan the ground around us for holes or possible danger and she popped her shoulder into me and walked forward stepping on my right pinky toe.

I wear fairly hard capped boots for this reason but I HATE steel toe boots so I don't usually wear them. I sucked in my breath at the sharp pain and that spooked her so she JUMPED off my foot and executed a perfect capriole.

Now I have no interest in ever teaching her to do that in hand, under saddle, or frankly anywhere around human beings so I gave her a pop on the nose (regular halter) along with a firm "no". That was enough to get her to try to get away from me. My correction was just to make sure I had both her eyes on me until she settled which probably took less than 3 seconds.

I continued to work her and walk her around, gradually expanding her comfort zone around the property and after another 15 or 20 minutes, I turned her and the 2 geldings out together.

After all that, my toe is black, and I'm not sure if it's broken but it's 4 times it's normal size. I guess I have to go buy steel toed boots until I get this girl bitted and can really teach her shoulder control and she has it ingrained in her mind.

This is the first time I've actually had the thought of "Oh do I really want to deal with babies at my advanced (almost 41) age?

My 9 and 6 year olds are sooo easy by comparison even if my 9 year old can be hard to handle at times because he has had his mind blown once upon a time.

Cha Cha Cha Cha Changes!

2011-01-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

Well we've rented our own ranch here in So Cal! And while I'm excited, it really has been a huge pain in the butt. The pasture fences are are hard to keep up here in the desert especially when they are made of wood. The solar fencer is also hard to keep working.

The general picture I'm trying to paint is that I'm lucky to have time to work with my horses at all and there is now no extra money for lessons since I've basically lost my job in this economy.

My New Years resolution is to spend more time riding and either get back to school or try to get a job on base with MCCS. I'd very likely start at minimum wage but after working for them for a year I qualify to apply for GS jobs. We are not hurting for groceries around here but we also have no savings left and that just makes me too nervous.

Back to the horses though- I'm so fed up with the failing wood fence that I'm more determined than ever to have a pipe corral arena and round pen in the future. (HA reason enough to work for ANY wage at this point!)

Other changes would be that I sold Maximus. Not because he is too safe (smile) but because our characters are not compatible. He is perfect for my husband - but my husband really isn't interested in riding. So Moose is living a posh life with someone who rides him at least 3 days a week for lessons with her dressage instructor and then whatever her homework is.

Before I moved here I was riding 3 days a week. Mostly training compulsories in an arena but I really try to keep things fresh so I don't bore my horses too badly. My aim is to get Phantom going for trail riding soon. I will be losing a riding buddy in a few months and arrainging a ride out with other buddies will be something like pulling teeth-wisdom teeth. Meanwhile, I'm ground driving phantom all over.

Wondering about my fear? Well it's still there but that is really OK. I now know how to proceed with my fear and realize that I can always step off the horse and that I SHOULD step off when I feel fear. Being fearful atop my horse does my horse no favors and stopping in the middle of a lesson doesn't really hurt my horse so there is no reason not to stop and regroup and then come back to finish.

I've got a new project- an oops baby that my friend had. She is half mustang and half Missouri Fox Trotter (OOPS!) and 20 months old now. But she has a great mind, a lovely relaxed walk and is really just over all nicely conformed to be an all around horse. She could easily be mistaken for a lippet morgan. She won't be started under saddle until she is 3 years old. I'd love to push that back until 4 years old but I'm not getting any younger with time and she is a very busy minded girl living in the desert instead of being pastured where it's ideal for baby horses to grow up. I need to get some pictures up so here is a phone pic:

Update

2009-11-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

The weather outside is frightful! For the desert anyway. It's windy, overcast, and cold. Too windy and cold to ride anyway. So I have time to catch the blog up on what's been going on.

I moved my horses from the only commercial self care boarding facility in 29 Palms to the base stables. Not a bad facility but it's further from my off-base home. Why did I move further away from home? Oh the usual, the neighbors taught my super gregarious thoroughbred how to rear AT PEOPLE for food and the BO sprayed my horses with water when it was hot (but just a sprinkle- enough to make them water phobic but not enough to actually cool them off). Hello! Call ME if you think my horse is having problems with heat!

So the TB went to live with his other mom in a herd of 5 on 5 acres. I still get to see him and ride him but not like having him with me. I never thought I'd miss him as much as I do. But he's sane again and is in the best living situation for him. The two mustangs went through 10 days of quarrantine in the busiest environment I could imagine for them. Helicopters flying low, a paintball field, gaggles of running shouting men, big trucks driving by and garbage dumpsters emptied not 15 feet from their corrals. By the end of it, Phantom didn't bother to even get up when the dumpster was emptied.

So I pretty much let my horses sit until October. With turn out of course but I had this stupid problem with overheating everytime I tried to do anything outside.

So I decide to get on Shazaam in the roundpen and all the work I've put in on Moose is paying off- NO FEAR! Just walk-trot but more for his lack of muscle than my fear. I need to recondition my poor horses now. Then the following week, I got on Phantom in the arena and I don't know why I expected him to act like a butthead but he was a perfect gentleman! Walk-trot and no taking off even though I gave him the room to do so if he really wanted to.

So what changed about the horses? Nothing. I'm the change.

I still feel more confident riding full seat in a western saddle BUT Jessica helped me with half seat from another perspective (with my body) and it feels better. Skill increases confidence which leads to improved skill and then greater confidence. Sounds stupid I guess but positive cycles that feed themselves are things we should actively seek. We find negative self-feeding cycles all the time.

Part of the problem with feeling confident in half seat is that I'm (ahem) pushing maximum density... I couldn't snow-ski in my current condition either. I'd likely tear an ACL trying. So the extra 10 lbs I gained over the summer because I've been sitting on the sofa HAS to go.

Of course new public stable = new drama. It's enough to make me physically ill though. There are people there that have to be stirring crap all the time. I'm seriously looking for horse property to rent. I'm ready to handle my horses on my own without fear- even when Shazaam is exploding and even when Phantom is being belligerant- I'm good.

There are still firsts I have to go though. I have to ride my horses on the trail and I have to be able to take them places and ride them before I feel like I'm closer to 100% rehabbed of my fear but I KNOW how to go about it now. I have a safe path to get there.

I'll be taking Phantom to a local show n go in January. I'll update our progress here.

Revelations

2009-07-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

There are fundamental changes happening within me. Still. As my confidence slowly builds my horses change. There is virtually no spook left in Shazaam, no mischief left in Phantom (unless he sits without work too long) and Maximus still tests me every time I handle him and ride him but his tantrums under saddle are humorous: kicking out when asked to go forward. He gives up soon enough. I have him walking out and trotting out nicely and with life in his body.

I owe this to 2 people. A wonderful woman who rides 4th level dressage and has been kind enough to put me on her schoolmaster bareback and help me with some centered riding techniques. It's helped me understand the balance point of my older and very different body as well as how my body relates to the horse and how my individual muscles affect each other. This has been huge for me and I think that with this I can go on to tackle the next hurdle-whatever that may be. All I had was 4 rides with her. I pray that someday there can be more.

Then there is Jessica my regular riding instructor. She has been riding Maximus for me so that he gets the experience he needs. Of my 3 horses, he has the least amount of experience working under saddle so this time with Jessica is crucial for him. He has never been as coordinated or athletic as the mustangs are so I'm grateful that she is putting time on him. He will be SUCH a nice horse by the time he is 8 years old.

So they know. The horses know if there is one drop of fear or insecurity in you and this has no place in human/horse interactions. Of course not that we should not seek to preserve ourselves but that we should accept that there is risk but much less risk if we practice safety and feel confident.

How easy is that, right? One thing is to know it in your mind and another to know it and live it in your body. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

Leaps & Bounds

2008-12-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

The day before yesterday, I rode Shazaam in the round pen like I do every Sunday while my husband rides Maximus. I have been trotting him around and feeling very balanced and confident so I asked him for a canter and...we did it!! It wasn't very pretty at first but as I forced myself to relax it got much, much better. So I decided that I needed mileage at the canter and rode again yesterday. My transitions were smooth and my butt didn't come out of the saddle even a single inch.

Shazaam may be my horsey soul mate and while I believe my little fugly pony is as perfect as they come I'd be lying if I said he didn't feel like riding a jack hammer. To me this is a plus! My lower back has to be super elastic and that actually eliminates my back pain.

I've also started riding him around the ranch which really brings his energy up. I'm starting to be comfortable with this being his "normal" state of mind and have much less trouble keeping him thinking and staying relaxed myself. I don't kid myself, he is still the kind of horse who will invent reasons to explode and bolt but I'm becoming confident in my ability to manage him and I'm sticking to my plan gradually increasing the area where I ride him. This whole journey from mind numbing fear to confident competance is now 3 1/2 years in the making.

I know the entire thing is my fault for owning a horse I couldn't even get near with a brush or he'd mentally unravel instead of a steady old trail horse but to be honest, I'm getting an invaluable education through this and I would not trade what horses have taught me for all the peaceful trail walkie rides in the world.

Alright so this is laughable...

2008-11-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

This week I rode Danielle's horse "Busta Move" AKA Buster. He was a very good boy for me.

Today I went on a trail ride on a 2 1/2 year old mustang filly who is not exactly balanced yet and trips quite a bit. We crossed a major ROAD!!! She did green baby stuff like not know how to get off the road by going up and over a berm. I helped her along with her balance and with the berm thing.

I need to just ride my own darned horses and learn to trust them.

Woo Hoo!

2008-11-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was offered an opportunity to ride a lovely well trained 20 year old Arabian gelding. He was so balanced and easy to ride that I was cantering him around in no time at all. I don't think I was on him longer than 20 minutes total.

It was an amazing gift. My first canter in 13 years where my fear was absent. I feel that my first canter on Shazzaam is no longer a far away goal or an unrealistic dream. I CAN ride versus that wierd place where I had to actually say that "I can't ride-yet".

Today I'm filled with hope, joy, gratitude, and humility.

Why do I Procrastinate?

2008-11-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged anything and there is probably too much to update here. I haven't stopped riding. In fact, I'm getting to the point I am confident enough to handle myself horseback under more conditions than I thought possible in so short a time. My leg is becoming solid and strong and I feel that because of this, I'm no longer operating from a position of just keeping myself alive. I still procrastinate when it comes to riding and this I simply don't understand. Every time I get on Shazaam lately, the ride ends with me feeling like I could stay on him forever and yet I still put off getting back on. The closest thing I've had to any kind of a scare was when I was riding Maximus in the arena and he decided to squirt forward. I shut him down in one stride and my butt never left the saddle. I was unsettled for a half a second but it wasn't all that scary.

In fact the more these little things happen and I stay in control and on the horse, the more my confidence grows. Or so I believe.

My biggest concern lately has been handling Maximus on the ground, not so much riding him. You see, Maximus is a bottle raised thoroughbred so he is a bold and brave horse who lacks fear. This is something of a double edged sword though. He has to be constantly reminded that I'm not a horse and not his playmate or his play toy. I've totally accepted that he cannot be allowed to sniff or put his nose on me and that he must follow all the rules for leading and longing precisely and that he has to have a job standing in the corner at feeding time until he is released with a verbal cue to eat.

When I got him last year, he had food aggression issues that I worked though. As long as I fed him and isolated him at feeding time, he showed no aggression. I got him to where I could feed him oustide an arena during lessons and as long as I stayed with him, he did not attack the horse and rider in the arena.

The most recent problem started after I moved my horses to a barn close to home. Unlike other stables here, this barn does not allow any two paddocks to share a fence. There are alleys between every pen which works great for a horse like Maximus because no other horse can put their head in his corral at feeding time. This is a self care facility and my neighbors come to feed their horses twice a day like I do. Maximus started a game with them where he would rush the fence with his ears pinned when they walked by with feed for their horses. Well, these people are newbies with 3 green mares who are always trying to kill them so guess how they thought they could get Maximus to stop making ugly faces at them? They gave him some of whatever they had when he rushed them with his ears pinned!

Less than a month later I had a bonafide monster on my hands who reared at me if I passed him without feeding him or if heaven forbid, I dare to enter his paddock without food. So I got to the bottom of what the neighbors were doing and nicely asked them to ignore my horse altogether and started my strict rules about feeding. I seriously thought about making pony BBQ... Well, not really but I was not happy about the severity of the situation or the steps I'd have to take to rectify it.

He is doing much better although he still has some ideas about trying to be dominant with me. For instance today I did a little longing with him through a ditch and when he didn't want to do as I asked (go forward) he shakes his head and shows me his hip. So we'll be working on that this week.

Funny thing though,I'm not afraid of him. Maybe should be and I'm just not smart enough to know it.

I came to a realization with my horses today: The mustangs finally trust me now that I'm much more emotionally fit with them- the calm in the storm for them so to speak. Maximus never really trusted me per se. He simply had enough self confidence coupled with no innate fear of humans that my lack of emotional fitness didn't figure into the equation for him. So I suppose the only question that remains is: can I be enough of a leader to win the respect of such a bold and fearless horse? This is a new one for me.

Starting over and over again.

2008-08-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

So I was off of my lessons for almost 3 weeks because the arena got washed out. I did go on 2 trail rides, on Trickster, during that time. Like everything else, the more I do it, the less anxious I am about it.

Also as usual,after 3 weeks off of not working at what I'm weak on, it took all lesson for me to finally get things going well on my good side. My bad side never did come together.

So I've put off riding Shazaam long enough. Now that Maximus is on stall rest for a good long while, I'm forced to ride Shazaam.

In a way, this is a good thing because Shazaam needs consistent work with the same rider to be all that he can be. That rider may as well be me since that is ultimately my goal.

The thing about Shazaam is that he has a ton of energy or spirit (whatever you want to call it) and he spooks (um flips out) in novel situations and cannot take any kind of mental pressure or he explodes.

So if Shazaam has never seen a particular saddle on a new fence, it's a problem for him. Even if he has seen me carry that saddle everywhere- and as long as I present a familiar visual profile for him then he is fine. Why bother with such an animal? I don't have any other reason than that it will make me better with horses in general. With consistent work,experience,and age, he is settling down but it's taking years.

The thing about Shazaam is that he's the one that has hurt me in the past so when he gets his blood up, it's a challenge for me not to get my adrenaline/fear up as well. If I let it happen, his monster and mine feed off each other. This is the intangible thing in me that I have to conquer to be successful.

So here's the story that goes with this part of my journey:

The day before yesterday, I decided that he had plenty of time to settle into his new barn and to saddle him up and see just how far we got with riding. I put my saddle on the round pen fence and started free longing Shazaam and he immediately started cutting through the pen to avoid getting too close to the saddle on the fence. I thought my normal thoughts about my overly dramatic horse and put him on line and longed him between me and the saddle when someone approached me and asked me if I was going to be using the pen for a while to which I replied "yes". Then this person proceeded to make remarks about my horse "playing games" with me to which I replied "Nope. This is an honest response." Then they proceeded with "Well, I respect your opinion but". I stopped to look over and see his mare tied and setting back for all she was worth. I tuned out everything else they had to say and thought, "Dude, you should go teach your poor mare about giving to pressure" and refocused myself on Shazaam.

Then he asks if Shazaam has ever been saddled before and I answer "yes, he's been ridden quite a bit". So he asks how Shazaam would react if I walked up to him holding the saddle and I answer, well he'll move around some but he pretty much stands for saddling. So I saddle him and he doesn't even bother to take the token half sidestep away before deciding to stand. Meanwhile, the guy is telling my horse, "Good Boy!" Which, to my horse, "Good Boy!" is a secondary re-enforcer to a clicker (which is a secondary re-enforcer to a TREAT) so thank GOD, Shazaam ignored it because I don't really use clicker training to teach behaviors that have to do with riding.

So I thought, "Dear God, rip my tongue out of my head if I EVER give anyone any unsolicited advise ever again!" because I have indeed said to 2 people unsolicited advise like "Slamming the bit in your horse's face is just teaching her to throw her head" and to my best friend, "Your horse needs to gain about 150 lbs so you might actually want to feed your horse instead of letting your non-horsey boyfriend do it."

While I can't promise to hold my tongue with my best friend, I do promise to mind my own business with everybody else- even if they are in imminent danger. I can call 911after the fact. This is my first experience at a public boarding facility so I'm learning about barn life more quickly than I want to.

Back to the issue of my fear:

So I put my foot in the stirrup and stood up in it. Shazaam started hopping up in the front and I thought he might settle for a second but then started running sideways so I stepped off but held my inside rein lightly and went with him. He stopped and followed me back to the center of the pen so I stood there with him, putting weight in the stirrup with my hand, then foot, then up and down. He was fine with it so I got on and rode him at a walk doing circles and patterns and then we were done.

The victory was that he got upset but I held it together and made good decisions instead of freezing up. That opens up opportunities for more progress!

A word on animal behavior and humans relationships with animals: (even though nobody will likely read this)

Every day in my work I find "pet parents" who anthropomorphize their animals. That is: give human attributes to animals. They allow their dogs to own chairs or even whole rooms by biting the humans to establish territory. This gentleman who was so nice to offer me advise claiming that his horse and mine "play games" with us is attributing to the horse, the human attributes of being false and having the capacity for subterfuge. While I believe that horses can learn to offer specific behaviors to make people go away, they don't plot our demise over breakfast. Deal with the specific behavior offered but don't give your horse villainous attributes or you will feel negative emotions about your horse while you deal with them and likely act emotionally. Which is about as unfair to the animal as it gets.

Ok, So I'm a Control Freak.

2008-07-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

My last lesson was awesome and so was the one the week before that. Two weeks ago I had a lesson riding bareback and at the walk. By the end of it, I felt solid and comfortable enough to trot. But! I didn't. I know enough to save that for another day and to learn to manage it a couple of strides at a time until I can feel comfortable expanding the time I can post the trot bareback.

Last week was forward seat work at the trot and over ground poles! I started out with my mind freezing up because I felt totally out of control in 2 point performing a crest release. OK I was totally not in control. Trickster in his wise way let me know that if I quit thinking and directing him that he was just going to find the rail and wait until I told him which way to go. Ok so that started my brain again. Well, I found that I started freezing up when he started rushing the poles (event horse gets happy when presented with an obstacle) and my instructor slapped me with a "why aren't you changing directions every lap?" "Uh, I did change once!" "Hey! that means my brain worked once!".

So what that really means to me is that a loss of control (or the feeling thereof) is a major trigger of fear for me. By the end of the lesson, I felt great! I felt better about allowing him to do his job and staying out of the way and that it is still a part of the dialogue between horse and rider and not a drop in communication (rendering me powerless and held hostage).

I have to say that my instructor is amazing about pushing me, but not losing her mind if I just can't do it. She softens and asks again. Likely the best way to work with a horse as well. She doesn't give up on me as long as I'm giving it all I've got too. That is saying something because I'm not the kind of student who is ever going to make her famous. I try my guts out every lesson. I want to ride well/competantly and with as little fear as necessary more than I've ever wanted anything in my life but at my age I'll never be Grand Prix material. Yet, it seems like she's as committed to my goals as I am and even if it's a fairly long road.

I know there aren't alot of instructors with the time of day for approaching middle aged (read "old") chicken pony riders but the ones that will invest their time in us are worth their weight in gold.

Here are pictures of my ponies doing silly useless things: The first is Shazaam. I know he doesn't tuck his legs enough to have any decent form jumping. This was about obedience and just a little something different to do. The second picture is Phantom bowing. The guy is my trainer, Rick Bates.

Easy Does It, I Suppose

2008-07-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

I've made steady progress this past month. I haven't really been able to blog it because my husband is home from Iraq and I don't get much time on the computer anymore. Between riding, working and doing things like cooking and cleaning after more than just myself- there isn't any time left over.

I've been trying to ride at least twice a week with at least one of those rides on my instructor's horse (a lovely, flashy bay OTTB named Trickster who prefers to Hunt or Event when he isn't bringing home the bacon teaching wee people or old chicken pony riders). Trickster is a pretty amazing horse to have as a teacher. He always knows when to fill in for you and when to make you work.

As a consequence, working with my instructor and Trickster is an ebb and flow of taking me outside my comfort zone and bringing me right back in it. All of this really makes a difference in conquoring fear. My lessons are increasing my strength, most importantly in my core, but also my legs and back. I also follow a work out routine that focuses on core and back strength as well as overall flexibility. I found that when I started loosening up some tightness in my hips and legs that posting at the trot became easier.

I'm reading a book titled Balance In Movement by Suzanne Von Dietze and it's quite good! I now understand that I naturally manage my body differently now than as an adolescent because my body was proportionately very different and therefore my ability to balance has changed. So level of fitness aside, I need to learn how to manage a different body today from an athletic standpoint. I was extremely athletic until my early twenties but I continued to grow and change until about age 27 (for one thing my bust gained 2 cup sizes as is normal in my family). If I tried to take up any of the sports I played daily like volleyball or softball or track, I'd have to relearn how to manage my body. This means that I actually have to think about how my body works and how my thorax lines up in order to develop the motor skills necessary for successful riding. This to me is a fascinating concept that I wish I'd known more about before I tried to start back riding again.

So where am I? I feel comfortable at the rising trot and my body braces up less and less often. My walk/trot,trot/walk transitions are getting better and all these transitions will have me riding the sitting trot in no time. I am becoming comfortable with the process of losing and regaining my balance. I am actually capable of maintaining impulsion at the rising trot, at least for a little while.

Make no mistake I still feel fear, but I don't allow myself to feel kernels of fear for so long that they grow. For example, when I started trot work, I might only trot (jog really) for 3 strides and then walk again. When 3 strides got boring, I found myself going 5 strides at the trot then walk again. It's fine to procrastinate between asking for trot as long as you want because starting and stopping is hard on the horse I think. I am also fine going to the left and really bad going to the right as far as physical weakness/strength goes so I make sure that however many repetitions I go to the left, I go to the right. This forces me to work my bad side to become more symmetrical. It's better for the horse too.
My fear is kicking in at the faster, working trot now and the jog doesn't phase me any more. Pretty soon, the working trot will be a piece of cake too. It's just a matter of riding it long enough to feel mildly uncomfortable and then back off that stimulus.

My instructor laughs when I stop trotting right in the middle of her "big push" and tell her, "wait! I'm having an adreneline rush!" -but what a gem she is that she understands that even if she can't concieve of having an adreneline rush herself at the trot. I'm guessing that she doesn't realize that my adreneline rushes are born out of fear that teeters on panic. Maybe she does. I have found that some "rush seekers" don't understand that for some people, the "rush" isn't a great feeling but instead is a very bad feeling.

I have to say that riding a few weeks in a forward seat has really improved my dressage seat! I can see the benefits of riding in a forward seat on a regular basis now.

On a very sad note, almost 3 weeks ago, Maximus came up lame on his right hind. The farrier said he felt some sensitivity in the superficial flexor tendon. So after about 10 days of light bute and rest I cannot detect any lameness at the walk and I'll probably wait another week before I ask for a trot. So I've been working Shazaam primarily and Maximus works himself up into a full snit when he isn't the one to go work. I mean a snit as in, bucking, farting, head tossing, etc. So yes he throws a fit but I won't ask for a trot while free-longing to check for lameness. I can't hand walk Maximus either because he wants to act like an idiot and spook at bunnies- ie. he's hot from being cooped up in his 30 X 72 paddock.

On a very happy note, I bought a used Frank Baines Enduro saddle! It has lovely WIDE panels and I'm so excited that I have a nice piece of equipment that will take great care of my horses' backs, especially paired with my Thinline sheepskin 1/2 pad.

I have no new pictures to share so how about a Maximus baby pic?

My Happy Place?

2008-05-19T14:34:00.000-07:00

So...here is how I've handled my fear. Starting 2 years ago, I began with baby steps. If I started feeling nervous while tacking up, I just tacked up and untacked my horse. I did that over and over again until tacking up brought no sensation to me. Then I put my foot in the stirrup and if that made me feel anxious, I took out my foot and I then spent however long it took tacking up and puting my foot in the stirrup until I felt nothing. Then I got up and down off the horse for as long as that took.

Believe it or not, I did that on my rather spooky horse, Shazaam. Then we'd go for a sedate walk around the round pen. I already knew that this particular horse had a horrible trot and my new Quiet TB Maximus had a decent trot so when it came time for me to re-learn to trot, I chose him for the job. I did do some trotting on Shazaam and found that I immediately tensed up and while Shazaam put up with my tense body, Maximus has the quality of being naturally tolerant of people and their blunders.

So I progressed to trotting in a larger arena on Maximus and becoming relaxed about it. It's important to understand that I have always had the ability to ride the trot from about age 6 but I find fear paralyzes a person and nullifies training.

I found that when I got on a horse, it took me between 10-20 minutes to relax and the more a rode, the less time it took.

On the last day that I had my horses at the training barn, the trainer insisted I get on Phantom in the round pen before I took my horses home. I had some minor apprehension about this but it went away as I walked my little guy around at the walk. He was a bit stiff necked but the trainer was of the opinion that if I ignored the behavior, that it would go away with time. Then the trainer instructed me to trot my horse. I squeezed gently and I don't think anyone really knows what I did wrong but Phantom took off in a blind panic in the round pen.

I tried within the first couple of strides to turn him but no luck. I heard the trainer tell me to sit up and not think about anything but riding the horse. So I did. He tripped at speed and I leaned back a bit to help him recover his feet. He ran another 2 laps around before he calmed enough to realize that I was giving him a rein cue- he tipped his nose and stepped under himself in the rear and my wild ride came to an end.

I *think* I squeezed him too long. I was waiting for a trot, preparing to go with him and it never came. I think I was a little apprehensive and when he took off, the fear overrode my body and I had to wait longer than anyone would like for my brain to kick in so I could breathe and relax my seat. After I relaxed, I sat fine and could easily pick up lost stirrups.

There was a BBQ going on at the barn (right outside the round pen!)so I had many many spectators! They all applauded me and said I sat that ride like a Pro! Then I was offered a stiff drink. I was mortified, and went off to ride my trusty calm TB Maximus. I trotted him in the arena and thought for sure that cantering him might even be fun...but I didn't.

So I moved all my horses closer to home after training. Now I have to ride alone- which is scary. I have 3 days a week off to work them and I can work one horse a day during the work week which means they get worked 4 days a week on average.

Since I moved my horses and gave them time to acclimate to their new place and new routine, I find I have regressed in some of my fears. They get less work and less turnout (although I really try to make sure they get as much as I can give them) and so they are a tad hotter than I like. Well, not the TB, hot for him is looking half animated at the trot. If he is excited to leave his corral and actually picks up his feet, that's something.

I know how to move forward again from here with my fear and it probably won't take me as long to get back to where I was as long as I don't do anything stupid to wreck my confidence.

My riding instructor gets back from her month off on vacation in another week or so and then I'll have an appointment with a person to ride and home work which will give me the motivation I need to push and expand my confort zones.

Here is me riding Phantom just before he bolted blindly:

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Here is me riding Maximus afterward- I look ok even though I never took that drink!:

Fear Itself

2008-05-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

I've been reading Fugly Horse of the Day's blog on starting her Very Large Colt and the personal fears and anxieties she is dealing with and while I'd love to participate in the discussion, I think I have some pretty big problems myself that need to be journaled- for my own records. If somewhere along the way, my experiences help someone else or just let them know they aren't alone then that's good too.

I've loved horses since I was a small child and I rode fearlessly from about age 6 to about age 25. I took lessons at age 6 in New Orleans and then again at age 14 in Madrid Spain. Of course in Europe is where I had my stirrups and reins taken away from me to focus on my seat.

I'd never consider myself any kind of expert but I seemed to get along with most horses well. As a kid, I'd had my share of coming off and riding horses who would shy hard or bolt. I mention this because the point is that I knew before I bought my first horse at age 35 the things that horses can do. Falling off didn't scare me much more than diving to the floor to get a volley ball up in the air did. Riding a bolting horse is scary to me but intellectually I know that any horse can bolt and maintaining control and being proactive is the best bet when handling a bolter.

I hadn't ridden nearly as many horses as Fugly though so I got help from a knowledgable horse person when I got my first horse. I ended up with a wild mustang who was supposedly tame and greenbroke. With some work, he should be perfect for me within 4 months. (Are you laughing your ass off yet?)

Turns out he was fairly wild with very little handling, just enough to mess him up but good. So I bargained on a year's worth of professional training but I couldn't find any reputable trainer to take my rank mustang on. So I learned to train my own horse and when he was tame, quiet beautifully light, and responsive on the ground, I successfully hired someone to start him. After he had about 20 rides, I got on, experienced equipment failure, and didn't make it for 8 seconds. I found out that my horse KNOWS how to buck. I got back on and rode him for a few minutes and then went to the ER because I could not bear weight on my left leg after landing on my lower back.

I tell about this accident because this is the one that messed me up as a rider and instilled the deep fear I have. The kind of fear that overrides my body and curls me into a fetal position and stiffens my back and seat. The kind of fear that makes me hold my breath when I'm tacking up my horse.

My fear has become irrational in ways. I have never had a problem with picking up back feet and now for some reason I do.

I've been living with this fear and working daily to over come it for the past 2 years and I've made alot of progress (for me). I own 3 horses now- my original horse, Shazaam- another mustang I adopted as a yearling, Phantom- and a super quiet TB named Maximus.

Phantom is pretty quiet and now at age 3, he has 90 days pro training on him but I've decided that he needs to have time off and just be a horse. 6 days a week for 90 days was good for him but I don't feel he is mentally mature enough for the work. What's done is done, but I wish I'd waited another year to start him because by the end of his training time, he was enjoying trail riding but was becoming burnt out on work.

When I got the Super Quiet TB, Maximus, I sent him off for 2 months just to make sure he got the trail miles he needed to be experienced over the unique desert terrain I live in, complete with all the dead cars and kitchen sinks that scare horses out on the trail.

I did all this at the advise of the pros and I have never spared any expense when it came to good training. I looked high an low for dead broke, easy horses and I test rode horses advertised as such and rode through spooking and bolting through a residential neighborhood on one of them. I came to the conclusion that true blue good horses just aren't sold so I went about finding 2 horses with the right even psychological make-ups that with training and experience would become the horses I needed.

These are the characters in my own personal play: