My Happy Place?

So...here is how I've handled my fear. Starting 2 years ago, I began with baby steps. If I started feeling nervous while tacking up, I just tacked up and untacked my horse. I did that over and over again until tacking up brought no sensation to me. Then I put my foot in the stirrup and if that made me feel anxious, I took out my foot and I then spent however long it took tacking up and puting my foot in the stirrup until I felt nothing. Then I got up and down off the horse for as long as that took.

Believe it or not, I did that on my rather spooky horse, Shazaam. Then we'd go for a sedate walk around the round pen. I already knew that this particular horse had a horrible trot and my new Quiet TB Maximus had a decent trot so when it came time for me to re-learn to trot, I chose him for the job. I did do some trotting on Shazaam and found that I immediately tensed up and while Shazaam put up with my tense body, Maximus has the quality of being naturally tolerant of people and their blunders.

So I progressed to trotting in a larger arena on Maximus and becoming relaxed about it. It's important to understand that I have always had the ability to ride the trot from about age 6 but I find fear paralyzes a person and nullifies training.

I found that when I got on a horse, it took me between 10-20 minutes to relax and the more a rode, the less time it took.

On the last day that I had my horses at the training barn, the trainer insisted I get on Phantom in the round pen before I took my horses home. I had some minor apprehension about this but it went away as I walked my little guy around at the walk. He was a bit stiff necked but the trainer was of the opinion that if I ignored the behavior, that it would go away with time. Then the trainer instructed me to trot my horse. I squeezed gently and I don't think anyone really knows what I did wrong but Phantom took off in a blind panic in the round pen.

I tried within the first couple of strides to turn him but no luck. I heard the trainer tell me to sit up and not think about anything but riding the horse. So I did. He tripped at speed and I leaned back a bit to help him recover his feet. He ran another 2 laps around before he calmed enough to realize that I was giving him a rein cue- he tipped his nose and stepped under himself in the rear and my wild ride came to an end.

I *think* I squeezed him too long. I was waiting for a trot, preparing to go with him and it never came. I think I was a little apprehensive and when he took off, the fear overrode my body and I had to wait longer than anyone would like for my brain to kick in so I could breathe and relax my seat. After I relaxed, I sat fine and could easily pick up lost stirrups.

There was a BBQ going on at the barn (right outside the round pen!)so I had many many spectators! They all applauded me and said I sat that ride like a Pro! Then I was offered a stiff drink. I was mortified, and went off to ride my trusty calm TB Maximus. I trotted him in the arena and thought for sure that cantering him might even be fun...but I didn't.

So I moved all my horses closer to home after training. Now I have to ride alone- which is scary. I have 3 days a week off to work them and I can work one horse a day during the work week which means they get worked 4 days a week on average.

Since I moved my horses and gave them time to acclimate to their new place and new routine, I find I have regressed in some of my fears. They get less work and less turnout (although I really try to make sure they get as much as I can give them) and so they are a tad hotter than I like. Well, not the TB, hot for him is looking half animated at the trot. If he is excited to leave his corral and actually picks up his feet, that's something.

I know how to move forward again from here with my fear and it probably won't take me as long to get back to where I was as long as I don't do anything stupid to wreck my confidence.

My riding instructor gets back from her month off on vacation in another week or so and then I'll have an appointment with a person to ride and home work which will give me the motivation I need to push and expand my confort zones.

Here is me riding Phantom just before he bolted blindly:

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Here is me riding Maximus afterward- I look ok even though I never took that drink!:

Fear Itself

I've been reading Fugly Horse of the Day's blog on starting her Very Large Colt and the personal fears and anxieties she is dealing with and while I'd love to participate in the discussion, I think I have some pretty big problems myself that need to be journaled- for my own records. If somewhere along the way, my experiences help someone else or just let them know they aren't alone then that's good too.

I've loved horses since I was a small child and I rode fearlessly from about age 6 to about age 25. I took lessons at age 6 in New Orleans and then again at age 14 in Madrid Spain. Of course in Europe is where I had my stirrups and reins taken away from me to focus on my seat.

I'd never consider myself any kind of expert but I seemed to get along with most horses well. As a kid, I'd had my share of coming off and riding horses who would shy hard or bolt. I mention this because the point is that I knew before I bought my first horse at age 35 the things that horses can do. Falling off didn't scare me much more than diving to the floor to get a volley ball up in the air did. Riding a bolting horse is scary to me but intellectually I know that any horse can bolt and maintaining control and being proactive is the best bet when handling a bolter.

I hadn't ridden nearly as many horses as Fugly though so I got help from a knowledgable horse person when I got my first horse. I ended up with a wild mustang who was supposedly tame and greenbroke. With some work, he should be perfect for me within 4 months. (Are you laughing your ass off yet?)

Turns out he was fairly wild with very little handling, just enough to mess him up but good. So I bargained on a year's worth of professional training but I couldn't find any reputable trainer to take my rank mustang on. So I learned to train my own horse and when he was tame, quiet beautifully light, and responsive on the ground, I successfully hired someone to start him. After he had about 20 rides, I got on, experienced equipment failure, and didn't make it for 8 seconds. I found out that my horse KNOWS how to buck. I got back on and rode him for a few minutes and then went to the ER because I could not bear weight on my left leg after landing on my lower back.

I tell about this accident because this is the one that messed me up as a rider and instilled the deep fear I have. The kind of fear that overrides my body and curls me into a fetal position and stiffens my back and seat. The kind of fear that makes me hold my breath when I'm tacking up my horse.

My fear has become irrational in ways. I have never had a problem with picking up back feet and now for some reason I do.

I've been living with this fear and working daily to over come it for the past 2 years and I've made alot of progress (for me). I own 3 horses now- my original horse, Shazaam- another mustang I adopted as a yearling, Phantom- and a super quiet TB named Maximus.

Phantom is pretty quiet and now at age 3, he has 90 days pro training on him but I've decided that he needs to have time off and just be a horse. 6 days a week for 90 days was good for him but I don't feel he is mentally mature enough for the work. What's done is done, but I wish I'd waited another year to start him because by the end of his training time, he was enjoying trail riding but was becoming burnt out on work.



When I got the Super Quiet TB, Maximus, I sent him off for 2 months just to make sure he got the trail miles he needed to be experienced over the unique desert terrain I live in, complete with all the dead cars and kitchen sinks that scare horses out on the trail.



I did all this at the advise of the pros and I have never spared any expense when it came to good training. I looked high an low for dead broke, easy horses and I test rode horses advertised as such and rode through spooking and bolting through a residential neighborhood on one of them. I came to the conclusion that true blue good horses just aren't sold so I went about finding 2 horses with the right even psychological make-ups that with training and experience would become the horses I needed.



These are the characters in my own personal play: