Fear Itself

I've been reading Fugly Horse of the Day's blog on starting her Very Large Colt and the personal fears and anxieties she is dealing with and while I'd love to participate in the discussion, I think I have some pretty big problems myself that need to be journaled- for my own records. If somewhere along the way, my experiences help someone else or just let them know they aren't alone then that's good too.

I've loved horses since I was a small child and I rode fearlessly from about age 6 to about age 25. I took lessons at age 6 in New Orleans and then again at age 14 in Madrid Spain. Of course in Europe is where I had my stirrups and reins taken away from me to focus on my seat.

I'd never consider myself any kind of expert but I seemed to get along with most horses well. As a kid, I'd had my share of coming off and riding horses who would shy hard or bolt. I mention this because the point is that I knew before I bought my first horse at age 35 the things that horses can do. Falling off didn't scare me much more than diving to the floor to get a volley ball up in the air did. Riding a bolting horse is scary to me but intellectually I know that any horse can bolt and maintaining control and being proactive is the best bet when handling a bolter.

I hadn't ridden nearly as many horses as Fugly though so I got help from a knowledgable horse person when I got my first horse. I ended up with a wild mustang who was supposedly tame and greenbroke. With some work, he should be perfect for me within 4 months. (Are you laughing your ass off yet?)

Turns out he was fairly wild with very little handling, just enough to mess him up but good. So I bargained on a year's worth of professional training but I couldn't find any reputable trainer to take my rank mustang on. So I learned to train my own horse and when he was tame, quiet beautifully light, and responsive on the ground, I successfully hired someone to start him. After he had about 20 rides, I got on, experienced equipment failure, and didn't make it for 8 seconds. I found out that my horse KNOWS how to buck. I got back on and rode him for a few minutes and then went to the ER because I could not bear weight on my left leg after landing on my lower back.

I tell about this accident because this is the one that messed me up as a rider and instilled the deep fear I have. The kind of fear that overrides my body and curls me into a fetal position and stiffens my back and seat. The kind of fear that makes me hold my breath when I'm tacking up my horse.

My fear has become irrational in ways. I have never had a problem with picking up back feet and now for some reason I do.

I've been living with this fear and working daily to over come it for the past 2 years and I've made alot of progress (for me). I own 3 horses now- my original horse, Shazaam- another mustang I adopted as a yearling, Phantom- and a super quiet TB named Maximus.

Phantom is pretty quiet and now at age 3, he has 90 days pro training on him but I've decided that he needs to have time off and just be a horse. 6 days a week for 90 days was good for him but I don't feel he is mentally mature enough for the work. What's done is done, but I wish I'd waited another year to start him because by the end of his training time, he was enjoying trail riding but was becoming burnt out on work.



When I got the Super Quiet TB, Maximus, I sent him off for 2 months just to make sure he got the trail miles he needed to be experienced over the unique desert terrain I live in, complete with all the dead cars and kitchen sinks that scare horses out on the trail.



I did all this at the advise of the pros and I have never spared any expense when it came to good training. I looked high an low for dead broke, easy horses and I test rode horses advertised as such and rode through spooking and bolting through a residential neighborhood on one of them. I came to the conclusion that true blue good horses just aren't sold so I went about finding 2 horses with the right even psychological make-ups that with training and experience would become the horses I needed.



These are the characters in my own personal play: